Grrrrr!
Humph!
Ackkkk!
Wahhhhhh!
Ever have one of those days or maybe a series of days when you just feel frustrated and irritated but you aren’t sure why?
Maybe you haven’t actually thrown or smashed anything but you are sure tempted to.
It is one thing to know why you are feeling angry but when you can’t seem to put your finger on it, that in itself is frustrating and only adds fuel to the raging fire within.
I am one who is usually pretty aware of my emotional state and the reasons why I am feeling something. I am a thinker and like to figure out the roots of problems.
THE BREAK IN
BANG!
As reserved and cautious as I can be sometimes, last year when we heard a noise that sounded like someone running up the basement stairs in the middle of the night and then a door banging,I was the first one out of our second story bedroom to run down to the main floor to investigate.
I grabbed what was nearby as a weapon, to fight off whatever I found at the back door; that was now swinging wide open. I saw my empty tote bag from the basement strewn on the back deck and I heard car tires screech off. THERE that was the source!
We had been home invaded while we slept and my fight or flight instinct kicked in to run to find out who had the gall to force their way in when we were there!
On the way down the stairs, the weapon that I grabbed was a long plastic shoe horn. In hindsight, it would’ve been a pretty weak defence if the perpetrator that had broken in had a weapon in hand, but my adrenaline was pumping strong; I wasn’t thinking weakness at the time, my emotions were telling me to stay alert and get ready to defend myself. It took me quite a while to settle down again after law enforcement showed up.
THE INTENSITY
Aren’t emotions just amazing things? We all have them and sometimes they are enjoyable and sometimes they are overwhelming or startling, especially when you don’t know what is causing them to manifest strongly.
Most of us like to think that we are in control of our emotions but the more we try and suppress them or hold them in, the more the pressure inside seems to build up. Emotions want to be expressed.
Like an air filled beach ball being held under the water, it takes effort to keep it down under the surface. Eventually your arms get tired and you just have to let it go.
This was how I felt in this one particular week- under pressure.
With certain personalities, success looks like tasks completed. That is part of how I am wired, goals oriented. I wanted to get about my daily to do list that I enjoyed making, get some boxes checked off so I would feel accomplished.
But this time, every time I sat down to do this task that I had set out to do, this feeling of extreme discontent and anxiety would present itself.
I wanted to get a handle on it and reason myself into a calm,but the more I tried to control it the more irritated I felt.
Usually once I set my mind to something I am able to get it done,but with this, I didn’t feel any ease or energy to do this thing that I had planned. I wondered why I was feeling like I couldn’t get going. It was like I was in a starting gate and the horn had gone off to go, but something was holding me back from moving forward.
Hmmm.
Maybe I was onto something with that fleeting observation.
Stop.
Reposition.
Stand up and get out of “go mode."
Reassess.
What was the task at hand?
When did the strong emotions first flare up?
What was my motivation? What was my driver?
THE TASK
I recently got activated into a long neglected call that I had known about for years.
Ever since I could hold a pencil, I have loved to express my thoughts and emotions through writing and to a degree, through art as well.
Recently a friend spoke some strong words of encouragement over me that I needed to write books!*
Her sudden words of “BOOKS!BOOKS!BOOKS! You are called to write BOOKS!” was unexpected at the time. It felt like a wake up call.
I had procrastinated so long over this call to write books, as four other people, unconnected to one another, had also said the same thing in past years, so I knew there was something to the alarm sounding again. No more snoozing.
I like routine, I find it comforting. This was feeling anything but comfortable.
I think there was part of me that had hoped that I could keep the call to write books tucked way back in the corner of my mind’s attic for a while longer; somewhere you know where I thought no one would see it and remind me of it.
It seemed that to keep it as a romantic idea was more appealing than actually doing the work of writing. It sounded like a lofty idea. Who was “I” to write books?
As I thought about my past procrastination, I wondered what else had held me back from this call. I pondered and I realized that I had apparently contracted “two guardians” to defend my reasons for not writing books thus far.
It became clear. They were named the Fear of Success and the Fear of Failure.
Funny how the very things you think on some level will help protect you, will actually keep you stuck in the bondage of not going anywhere.
So here I was, in a swirl of strong emotions, sitting at the computer and angry at myself for not being productive.
I actually had several book ideas that had come to me over the years and even had chapter headings for one book, but I had never done anything with any of it. I would just file them away and do other things that I knew I could do well and with ease.
Maybe this time would be different. Encouraged by another friend who was writing their own book,I sat down to write. Surely because I found expressing my thoughts so easily,and I was determined, I could whip out a masterpiece in no time at all. Little did I know that Pride had now come and sat down next to me even though, the fear twins were temporarily silent.
THE PAIN OF CONSTIPATION
UGGGG!
HUMPH!!!
ACCCCKKKK!
No matter how urgent this now felt to write and to get going, every time I sat down, it didn’t “just happen” as I had hoped it would.
After a few days of the grumps, I decided to pray about it, specifically about my emotions. Truth be told it was more like yelling and having a bit of a toddler like tantrum as I screamed out the name of Jesus and asking why I was so…THIS!
After a few minutes of ranting, tears of desperation and submission came, as I felt His presence grow stronger around me. After the spiritual grunting, moaning and self pity mutterings started to turn into deep sighs of the pressure being relieved, I saw Pride. I have dealt with that cunning critter before so I served it notice and told it to get lost and humbled myself even lower, confessing my shortcomings before the Lifter of my head.
God often communicates to me through pictures first and I immediately saw a picture in my mind of someone who is constipated. I know, not what you were likely expecting to read. The understanding came to me though of how being in a state of constipation is not pleasant and it is a struggle "to go.” Trying to force something out that is not motivated to come out can be exhausting and it can even make you feel sick inside.
I knew this was symbolic and wondered for a moment how this was applicable to my life.
I realized that He was trying to tell me, that I was spiritually constipated regarding my situation. Sometimes that real to life imagery helps us understand a spiritual truth.
DIVINE RELIEF
I then saw an image from John 15 in the Bible with a vine and a cluster of grapes hanging from its branches.
I felt prompted to turn to the pages of Love in the Bible and read (once again) through this beautiful explanation of what it looks like to depend on Jesus instead of self.
Jesus says in verses 4-5 of John:
"Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me. I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.”
I laughed quietly to myself. I had obviously once again, fallen into the old trap of just jumping into something without immersing in Him first.
“I can do this” may sound noble but when it is a call from God, He wants to be part of the assignment. The Lord LOVES partnership; He wants us to do things together with Him!
HOW SWEET
In the busyness of life, instead of slowing down and pausing to ask Him how He wants us to proceed, we can end up doing things by habit or by rote.
But when we are abiding in Him, staying connected and dependent on Him, His anointing will flow through us. HE is the one who will produce the product or the fruit, and we get to be amazed at the greater ease of bringing it forth together.
This is why He is the Vine and we are the branches. He is our source. He is our strength. He is our wisdom and our life.
In verses 7 and 8 of John 15, Jesus continues:
“If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be (become) My disciples.”
What a joy to be intimately joined with our Beloved Jesus!
He offers us His hand to lift us up out of the pits of self loathing, independence, frustration and despair.
Holy Spirit is such a faithful friend and partner, standing by patiently and waiting for us to look up and to call out with a: “I surrender Lord! I can’t do this myself!”
He smiles lovingly towards us as we finally give up our self proclaimed rights and He comforts us and draws us close.
It is on the chest of Jesus, that we can nestle in and sync once again with His heart.
He is the All Sufficient One, our El Shaddai, the Mulit-breasted One.
There is room for every hungry heart at the breast of Jesus.
As we breathe in His Peace as we commune with Him, His Life flows through us and produces after itself. His Life is producing greater life in us and thorough us.
If we are bent on “doing things in our own way or in our own strength” whatever we bring forth will be lacking its full potential.
Why settle for shades and shadows of grey tones when you can have seven dimensional heavenly colour?
How much sweeter the fruit of what we produce will be when we abide in The Vine of Life.
Now when I sit down to write, I will be writing more from the place of rest and flow and not so much from the posture and pressure of racing with great effort to a finish line.
There is great value in the journey and in the process in doing all the things with Him.
Questions to take to Jesus:
Jesus, how can I partner with You in this process and journey?
Jesus, when do I need to put my head on Your chest and sync with You?
Jesus, where am I a little bit stuck or blocked up?
How can I Live Alive in my callings and assignments?
~Jane
( see also a previous blog on being called to something)
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