CONFESSION: I am a bit 'strict' with myself when it comes to communication, so this 'thing' I have noticed lately started to bug me.
The thing I have noticed is that I have been omitting words, by accident, in a sentence when I post on social media. The humbling part is that I sometimes don't notice until I look at it much later,or someone else points it out,which triggers the perfection police. ('ACCK!' I thought I had fired those guys!)
It has been consistently happening so much of late that it made me start to wonder where else it might be going on.
As a communicator, I highly value clear and precise communication. I now wonder if these 'omissions' on my social media posts were actually a sign-post for me.
Could I possibly be 'omitting' words or mis-communicating in other ways as well?
Whether it is written or spoken,I want to be excellent at conveying thoughts and perspectives. I expect and desire excellence from others as well.
Although I do enjoy when someone agrees with me on something, I don't mind a good respectful discussion on differing points of view either. Disagreements don't have to lead to the rejection of a person.
Interactive, engaging conversations can make me personally feel connected to others. Connection is one of my personal core values.
However, when I don't experience connection through excellent communication, I can feel a sense of distance or separation from someone that is not always comfortable. My deep relational desire for harmony or congruence is challenged.
How about you? When have you felt the discomfort of disconnection?
Maybe feeling discomfort is tolerable but what about outright frustration?
How many times do you 'think' there has been clear communication but then felt frustrated when you can't convey what you want to express and be heard?
Or what about when another person doesn't seem to understand what you have said or asked?
CONSIDER the COST:
More and more I am realizing the value of considering my words and the words of others.
One of the costs of this is TIME. Another cost is the FOCUS of attention.
Really focusing on what others are saying takes time,your time, and your time is valuable.
Focusing means being fully present,zeroing in and hearing their words. It also means noticing the emotions behind the words when others are communicating.What are they really saying?
It takes discipline to not allow oneself to formulate what you think would be a brilliant response, while they are still talking. It takes personal energy. (How are your reserves lately?)
Great communicators are often curious of others in a genuine way. They ask questions that invite a further and maybe a deeper response, causing the speaker to hear themselves in a fresh way.
When you are actively listening, be aware of body language and vocal tone, those things also communicate a message.The way you or the other person postures themselves and the tone of voice can be translated in ways that mean different things to different people. Be self-aware and open to clarifying or shifting the way you present yourself if needed.
If you recognize that you want to improve your communication, know that it takes awhile to reform listening and communication skills. I am by no means perfect at it but the added depth in relationship and intimacy that is generated is so worth what it costs. It is ultimately an investment in relationship that will potentially add high value to all involved.
When you have developed certain habits of communicating, they contribute and help to form the how.
How are your relationships functioning? Are they stuck or stagnant?Are they unhealthy? Are they doing well?
Change it up and you can potentially change the relationship,with time and perseverance in using your new and improved skills.
Even after 30+ years of marriage, some might conclude that my husband and I would be excellent at communicating with each other; that would be incorrect.
However, we are so much better than when we first came together. We have worked at it. We have changed our personal perspectives in a few areas over the years and continue to tweak things. One key that our marriage needed was for us to realize that we are on the same 'team,' (which could be a whole other topic to write on.) My partner is not my enemy or my opponent. When both people desire something and work side by side towards the goal,the chance of success is multiplied.
EMOTIONAL COMMUNICATION:
One of the things we have learned in our marriage is that taking the time to check our own emotions before responding to each other is well worth the time and effort. In a sense, this reflects a healthy,self honoring relationship with yourself , first being honest with yourself about what you are REALLY feeling.
Sometimes what is on the surface as an emotion is a 'guardian' to a much deeper emotion that maybe feels too difficult to express. Sometimes our strong emotions are an indicator of a deep heart desire that we want to have met.
We don't deny our emotions but we evaluate them and their relevance in a given situation.
Emotions are not right or wrong in themselves but how you process them and how you respond to them, can truly impact the relationship that you have with yourself and with others.
Our emotions are connected to our thoughts and beliefs in a way that we don't always realize. Sometimes we have carried a belief for a long time, we may have formed it in our younger years and it has become a foundation for other beliefs in how we need to act or think. In some way we may have believed that it would serve us or protect us. Strong emotions often stem from strong beliefs,which form strong structural patterns within our mind. These foundations or structural patterns can be positive and life bringing or they can be negative and destructive. This too can all be changed if we want to have a different experience.
THE HOPE:
I love studying and learning how people communicate;how people think and what they feel. It is one of the unique ways I am wired. You too are wonderfully unique in the way you have been internally wired.
Life with some people can sometimes feel challenging and downright exhausting but there is hope available if you don't like what you are experiencing in your life. It starts with being willing to submit to 'the process.'
We are ALL in a process of development and reformation at some depth or level. Know that you are not alone, none of us are yet perfect and we can learn from each other. Hope abounds if you are willing to engage with it.
One last key that I want to share is that in the quest for excellence in communication, I have found it is helpful to admit when I miss it. Humbling oneself and confessing where you have missed understanding and have not had clear honoring communication, goes a long ways to bring down defensive walls that separate us from others.
Admitting your 'mis-takes' in communicating can actually open up fresh ,deep dialogue,that might not have happened otherwise. You can begin again.
Final thoughts:
Your life is communicating something to someone. Is it reflecting the excellence that you desire or are there 'omissions'?
Is your life saying what you really want it to say? Are you ready to make a change?
Encouraging you share your voice and to "Live your Life Alive!"
Jane
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